Monday, December 29, 2008

One Step Closer to finding out if Fifty Amandas could defeat a Gorilla

Fox Reality Channel is officially the most frivilous channel on TV. With such hits as My Bare Lady, an attempt to find the next bug porn star, and Solitary 3.0, the show locking people in rooms to see who is the last to go crazy. Once again, one of those seeing a 700 pound person naked. It hurts to watch but you know it will hurt worse to know you had the chance to see that and didn't take it. Anyway, my focus is on Fox's newest show, Man vs. Beast. This show has dedicated itself to being on the cutting edge of interspecies competition. On the first episode(and only episode, I might add) there was an eating competition, a tug-a-war, a sprinting race, an obstacle course, and finally pulling race. The eating contest was between Takeru Kobayashi, hot dog eating champion, and yes, an alaskan brown bear. Next, the tug-a-war event, pitting a sumo wrestler against a large, female orangutan. The 100 yard dash included olympic sprinter, Shawn Crawford, a zebra, and a giraffe. The Obstacle course was a dignified competition between a navy seal and a chimpanzee.

Lastly and what I am most interested in was the pulling event, otherwise known as the duel in the deseret, between, get ready for it, forty-four little people and the competitor to their left, an asian elephant. The competitors were gathered together to pull a DC-10. The party which pulled the aircraft over the finish line first was the winner. My first thought when I saw all the little people harnessed behind the airplane was of a debate my friend Amanda came up with. I believe it was that 50 Amandas could defeat an African Lowland Gorilla in hand to hand combat. Now, I should first clarify that Amanda is small, but by no means a little person. Watching this competition opened up what I had thought was a closed book. Right before the race began the announcer declared his bias for the elephant. I thought that to be a bit controversial. As the intense competition began it was a tough start for the little people but momentum was on their side. They needed determination to win and anyone could see it in their eyes. "Look at these little people pull," announces the host and that is about when I lost it. When I say, "lost it," I mean the feeling that I was in a sane world and not caught up in the delusions of a fever-dream. Though I did "lose it" when the host actually said, "forty-four little people are going toe-to-toe with an asian elephant." The results, beast wins. I'm sorry little people you lost the race, oh and forty years of work to earn respect for little people everywhere.

My question is, does this mean Amanda would lose to a gorilla?
What I am certain of is that I will never look at the olympics or sporting competition the same. Oh you earned eight gold medals in swimming. Try outswimming this dolphin. What you won grecco-roman wrestling? Try some hand to hand with this polar bear. I am actually getting an idea for a new Man vs. Beast event. It is imspired by this poster.

A dead hang between man and kitten. I think I know who would win this one.

P.S. I found a list of possible techniques for forty two midgets fighting a lion which I find pretty applicable to an amanda vs. gorilla fight.

1. The “Dogpile” Technique

Whenever you’re coordinating a horde of fighters, the Dogpile is a quick, easy, go-to technique. It doesn’t take a lot of preparation or coordination, and it’s a great way to utilize your strength in numbers and at least buy some time to formulate a newer, better plan than “get inside of his mouth and attack from the inside”.
However, if you’re fighting one of the toughest land predators on earth, and that predator happens to be a cat, the dogpile is only a temporary solution. You’re going to have to utilize another technique.

2. The “Play-Dead-To-Human-Net-Trap” Technique

Han Solo and Chewbacca were caught in an Ewok net trap. Arnold Schwarzenegger almost caught Predator in a net trap. Also, playing “dead” got me out of P.E. class at least a dozen times as a kid. It seems logical that combining the two techniques would prove effective against the King of the Beasts. 42 midget wrestlers lying “dead” on the floor would just confuse the big cat. Then when he gets into position, the army springs on him from below! It’s perfect! Look at the exclamation point over the lion’s head in the illustration above. That means he’s surprised!

3. The “Single-File” Technique

I understand your doubt about this one. It seems like the only thing these midgets should be fighting is their way to the back of the line. There’s more to this technique than meets the eye, though. Because the lion is fighting one easy opponent at a time, his adrenaline won’t be able to take over. And adrenaline, as we all know, is a lion’s greatest weapon (behind huge teeth, vicious claws, and incredible strength). When fighting, each midget in the line should be aiming directly for teeth and claws with the one or two hits that he’s going to get in before the lion tears him to bits. Sure, the lion will work his way through the first thirty fighters pretty easily, but maybe by fighter 31, his teeth will start to hurt a little bit…just maybe.

4. The “Bungee” Technique

Bungee cords are great. They’re everything that we love about rope and everything that we love about elastic rolled into one. It seems only natural to use bungee cords as a secret weapon in a lion fight. It increases mobility and distracts and confuses the opponent. Lions aren’t used to fighting enemies from above, and if I remember correctly, cats hate things that are dangling on strings, right?

5. The “Vultron” Technique

Sure, and African Lion can work it’s way through 42 midgets in 12 minutes. But what if those midgets formed themselves into one super-sized fighter? The most promising technique for 42 midgets fighting a vicious African Lion stems from the bowels of history. It’s written on our money, it’s etched in our hearts, and we remember it from Vultron, too: E Pluribus Unum: “From Many, One”. Obviously whenever a number of small things combine into one large thing to fight, lightning is conjured (see image above), and that can be used a weapon in a crunch, too. Plus, even if the lion still wins, you’ll be able to say (without lying this time) that you saw a gang of midgets form into a giant and fight a lion. How cool is that?

Thanks to the blog for that last section about lion wrestling. I know I enjoyed it.


Amanda Jane said...

Those diagrams are amazing. I love them. I still don't doubt my gorilla killing skills. We will lose some Amanda's in the process for sure, but will prevail.

Jeff Denison said...

But what technique would the amandas utilize? And if one amanda feels pain do all the amandas suffer?