Monday, December 29, 2008

One Step Closer to finding out if Fifty Amandas could defeat a Gorilla

Fox Reality Channel is officially the most frivilous channel on TV. With such hits as My Bare Lady, an attempt to find the next bug porn star, and Solitary 3.0, the show locking people in rooms to see who is the last to go crazy. Once again, one of those seeing a 700 pound person naked. It hurts to watch but you know it will hurt worse to know you had the chance to see that and didn't take it. Anyway, my focus is on Fox's newest show, Man vs. Beast. This show has dedicated itself to being on the cutting edge of interspecies competition. On the first episode(and only episode, I might add) there was an eating competition, a tug-a-war, a sprinting race, an obstacle course, and finally pulling race. The eating contest was between Takeru Kobayashi, hot dog eating champion, and yes, an alaskan brown bear. Next, the tug-a-war event, pitting a sumo wrestler against a large, female orangutan. The 100 yard dash included olympic sprinter, Shawn Crawford, a zebra, and a giraffe. The Obstacle course was a dignified competition between a navy seal and a chimpanzee.

Lastly and what I am most interested in was the pulling event, otherwise known as the duel in the deseret, between, get ready for it, forty-four little people and the competitor to their left, an asian elephant. The competitors were gathered together to pull a DC-10. The party which pulled the aircraft over the finish line first was the winner. My first thought when I saw all the little people harnessed behind the airplane was of a debate my friend Amanda came up with. I believe it was that 50 Amandas could defeat an African Lowland Gorilla in hand to hand combat. Now, I should first clarify that Amanda is small, but by no means a little person. Watching this competition opened up what I had thought was a closed book. Right before the race began the announcer declared his bias for the elephant. I thought that to be a bit controversial. As the intense competition began it was a tough start for the little people but momentum was on their side. They needed determination to win and anyone could see it in their eyes. "Look at these little people pull," announces the host and that is about when I lost it. When I say, "lost it," I mean the feeling that I was in a sane world and not caught up in the delusions of a fever-dream. Though I did "lose it" when the host actually said, "forty-four little people are going toe-to-toe with an asian elephant." The results, beast wins. I'm sorry little people you lost the race, oh and forty years of work to earn respect for little people everywhere.

My question is, does this mean Amanda would lose to a gorilla?
What I am certain of is that I will never look at the olympics or sporting competition the same. Oh you earned eight gold medals in swimming. Try outswimming this dolphin. What you won grecco-roman wrestling? Try some hand to hand with this polar bear. I am actually getting an idea for a new Man vs. Beast event. It is imspired by this poster.

A dead hang between man and kitten. I think I know who would win this one.

P.S. I found a list of possible techniques for forty two midgets fighting a lion which I find pretty applicable to an amanda vs. gorilla fight.

1. The “Dogpile” Technique

Whenever you’re coordinating a horde of fighters, the Dogpile is a quick, easy, go-to technique. It doesn’t take a lot of preparation or coordination, and it’s a great way to utilize your strength in numbers and at least buy some time to formulate a newer, better plan than “get inside of his mouth and attack from the inside”.
However, if you’re fighting one of the toughest land predators on earth, and that predator happens to be a cat, the dogpile is only a temporary solution. You’re going to have to utilize another technique.

2. The “Play-Dead-To-Human-Net-Trap” Technique

Han Solo and Chewbacca were caught in an Ewok net trap. Arnold Schwarzenegger almost caught Predator in a net trap. Also, playing “dead” got me out of P.E. class at least a dozen times as a kid. It seems logical that combining the two techniques would prove effective against the King of the Beasts. 42 midget wrestlers lying “dead” on the floor would just confuse the big cat. Then when he gets into position, the army springs on him from below! It’s perfect! Look at the exclamation point over the lion’s head in the illustration above. That means he’s surprised!

3. The “Single-File” Technique

I understand your doubt about this one. It seems like the only thing these midgets should be fighting is their way to the back of the line. There’s more to this technique than meets the eye, though. Because the lion is fighting one easy opponent at a time, his adrenaline won’t be able to take over. And adrenaline, as we all know, is a lion’s greatest weapon (behind huge teeth, vicious claws, and incredible strength). When fighting, each midget in the line should be aiming directly for teeth and claws with the one or two hits that he’s going to get in before the lion tears him to bits. Sure, the lion will work his way through the first thirty fighters pretty easily, but maybe by fighter 31, his teeth will start to hurt a little bit…just maybe.

4. The “Bungee” Technique

Bungee cords are great. They’re everything that we love about rope and everything that we love about elastic rolled into one. It seems only natural to use bungee cords as a secret weapon in a lion fight. It increases mobility and distracts and confuses the opponent. Lions aren’t used to fighting enemies from above, and if I remember correctly, cats hate things that are dangling on strings, right?

5. The “Vultron” Technique

Sure, and African Lion can work it’s way through 42 midgets in 12 minutes. But what if those midgets formed themselves into one super-sized fighter? The most promising technique for 42 midgets fighting a vicious African Lion stems from the bowels of history. It’s written on our money, it’s etched in our hearts, and we remember it from Vultron, too: E Pluribus Unum: “From Many, One”. Obviously whenever a number of small things combine into one large thing to fight, lightning is conjured (see image above), and that can be used a weapon in a crunch, too. Plus, even if the lion still wins, you’ll be able to say (without lying this time) that you saw a gang of midgets form into a giant and fight a lion. How cool is that?

Thanks to the blog for that last section about lion wrestling. I know I enjoyed it.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Important Discoveries of 2008

The inevitable capping of years approaches with the impending date Jan. 1, 2009. As I look through the slipstream of memories I have decided that I want to draw baseless conclusions. I have learned that I am the type of person that makes definitive statements concerning issues and then alter them down the line. I have discovered that I can be condencending and rude. I have found that it is hard for me to let go of disappointment, resentment, and food. I really like animal collective in a live show and will go out of my way to see them live.

The Worst concert I saw this year was by a new band I love called the Fleet Foxes. They were just really boring. They play beautiful music but were boring nonetheless.

My favorite new artist is a last minute find called Son Lux.

Though Bon Iver did come close in being the best discovery of 2008.

My Favorite movie I saw was a cartoon about a post-apocalyptic Jerry Herman loving robot.

The Best Play a saw was a tie between a Tryptich piece of theater about three souls stuck in a terminus and a remake of a Noel Coward movie called "Brief Encounters."

I found that traveling as I get older is getting to be a little more inconvenient. I am more grumpy than I want to be and less willing to admit it to myself I can't change that. I can't read. Enough said. Well I can't seem to stop from involunteraliy falling asleep or focus my mind in one cognative direction. Reading to me is like hurding the mental kittens of synapses I have in my face.
Next Year I plan on taking a more direct approach to the discovery of art, music, and literature. I want to focus on one playwright or an anthology of a well established musician, maybe look up an influential underground artist, or try "reading" books in the form on sound waves eminating from my eye-pod. If anyone has any ideas or good suggestions let me know. Otherwise I hope all had a Happy Holidays(I'm not afraid to say Christmas or Chanukah) and wish you a wonderful New Years.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Two of the most important events to happen to me this semester

A While back I was introduced to what I can only assume is elementary school sack lunch as packed by a heavenly mother. This dissension of ambrosia came in the form of a chocolate brownie sliced in two with peanut butter spread between the two slices. Well I came home to Alpine for thanksgiving break and was taken to a hot new bakery in American Fork. It was called Flour Girls and Dough Boys. Anyway I went in skeptical and what did I find? A Deseret sandwich I could never refuse. What did Flour Girls and Dough Boys find? A customer for Life.
Secondly, I was given the oppurtunity to film a commercial in November. It was suppose to be released a couple of weeks ago but thanks to drunken frat initiation and girls getting hit by Utah State buses it was held back from being released so when people were asked, "Why not apply for Utah State?" There immediate answer wouldn't be, "Because I don't feel like being hit by a bus or dying of alcohol poisoning." So my "commercial" is now finally released via youtube. My question, Is this my fifteen minutes of fame? Because I felt like that happened when I was in the opening ceremonies and the olympic slide music video. Well enjoy, I am in three portions of the commercial. Funny thing is I'm not so sure I'm a fan of... Well never you mind.