Wednesday, May 08, 2013

The one where I end my silence with my own quote

Sometimes you need to step away from yourself to gain a different perspective about who you are and other times you just stop writing on your blog because you're pretty sure you're not even reading them anymore. I am not going to say why I stopped because I didn't even read the implication I just made. Enough said, I'm shattering my silence. Today I received a message from a gentleman who is friends with a cousin of mine. I do not know the gentleman but he felt the need to tell me he lost ten pounds. Feeling fairly certain that this poor fellow was simply a proxy for some internet predator hoping to spread the internet equivalent of scabies, I responded thusly. I hope you enjoy!!

"Oh my gosh Juan!! I am so proud of you. I always said you would be much happier if you lost 10 pounds. You are going to move from the Willmer Valderrama category of handsomeness into the Douglas Fairbanks category of handsomeness. Seriously, congrats!! You and Ezekiel Adebayo, a Nigerian that emailed me today to inform me that he found out he was a prince, are having the best day. I wish I could visit your site but I can't. It's a long, intensely private story I've never shared. But for some reason I feel comfortable sharing it with you in this private space known as Facebook because you seem like a good egg. As a child I was diagnosed with edema. It is more commonly known as dropsy. This disease caused me grief as I was subjected to ridicule by my classmates and left with calves shaped like butternut squashes. My classmates called me "Crops tops drops" as they karate chopped my legs. I don't know why but I was wearing a crop top as well. To this day I haven't been able to use eye drops, eat gum drops, or let the beat drop. If I hear Skrillex I'm in tears for at least 24 hours. Often times I am required to be hospitalized due to potential dehydration. In fact just to write the word of my disease I needed to speak with a mental health professional for an hour. In fact, I had my meemaw type it for me. My fingers simply couldn't constructed the word. Anyways, I am so happy for you!! I wish you so much success in the future. You are an inspiration and a gentleman."

Let the great experiment begin!!